My Worst Enemy

This morning I woke up and I felt like shit (pardon my French). I guess it happens to all of us, every now and then. We wake up on the wrong side of bed, or whatever, filled with doubts of our self worth, wondering whether our attempts to succeed have any decent ground to stand on.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not whining here, nor am I looking for pity and sympathy, I just want to describe my morning struggle with myself, and the aftereffects of thereof...

Although objectively, during the past few weeks, I've been quite productive, (you know, getting my life back together, becoming a proud owner of new washing machine, buying a bicycle and actually riding it daily, managing to get a "shared custody" of my dog, working on my design skills (see below), reconnecting with my old friends and making some new ones), subjectively I don't really feel I've achieved that much.

The thing that threw me off this morning was that little nagging voice back in the darkest pits of my mind, asking a simple question, "you are just playing around, what the hell are you doing and where the hell do you think it will lead?"... Of course, since it was the voice of that little monster hiding in all of us, it provided me with an answer right away... "nothing and nowhere"...

So, I say, nay, I shout for the whole wide world to hear it, "F*ck you, you little b*tch, I'm gonna show you who's the BOSS here"...

I've never expected to get my life together in one week and if it's small steps it takes, then small steps it is!

The small step of today is cleaning this mess of an apartment. For the past two and something years I've been keeping this place solely as a storage space for all my stuff. Since I've rented it, I slept here not more than a dozen times, dropping by every now and then just to get different clothes (depending on season), pick up some paperwork or documents I needed and that was it. This place, for two years, has basically been gathering dust, excess clothes and piles of paperwork. It looks accordingly to what its purpose has been so far. I haven't even unpacked the stuff my ex dropped off after the break up (although there might be an underlying reason there).

Frankly, I think this place needs to be organized, rather than cleaned, but you get what I mean. Today I finally unpack, reorganize my stuff and put it all away. There are some power outlets that need fixing. Kitchen is going to be a bit of a challenge, but hey. Tomorrow (today it's Sunday and I'm in Greece, I don't think I need to say more) I'm getting a decent vacuum cleaner (the one I have now must have been manufactured in 70's, at this point it's easier to try to kick the dust to death, rather than using that old piece of junk) and I'm gonna do some serious damage.

As a small bonus step for tomorrow, I found the cheapest gym around (which is still ridiculously expensive, c'est la vie) and I'm signing up...

Anyway, so you can agree with me that the time I put into improving and reinventing myself hasn't been wasted, here are some examples of what I've been working on...

The "ME" Year

So, I am finally back from my month on the road, home in my snug little flat in one of the nicer southern suburbs of Athens. The season is over, for me, at least, and I'm ready, as ready as I can be, to finally take this show on the road... Let the "ME" year begin!

The last couple of weeks have been, surprisingly, very productive (if productive is the right word to use here). I have actually managed to move on with both the "going on 30" and "ultimate" bucket lists, taking giant leaps and small steps at once, and life is goooooood.

First and foremost, the complicated relationship situation is finally resolved (although it actually resolved itself, in a way). I am single now, and all better for it. After three years of giving and giving (or, more accurate, giving up and giving up pieces of me and my life), the push came to shove and I was dumped...

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter or anything, the moment I found out (turning on Facebook and seeing I'm single, one morning), I felt relieved.

I have been contemplating the future of this relationship for months now, especially since it kept on failing to fulfill one of the most basic and fundamental purposes of pairing up with another fellow primate of the given species (besides procreation): sharing available resources, manpower, abilities and skills in order to increase chance of survival in the hard, cruel and ever changing world we live in.

I have to admit, my feelings are little bruised, since I do feel that I was discarded like an accessory, soon to be replaced by another, more fitting model, but c'est la vie, that's just ego talking.

To be fair, I still feel that I've got enough out of this experience, although not the way I expected. All the numerous small and big lessons, learning a lot about myself along the way, are priceless. This I say without any trace of irony.

As an afterthought, with just a pinch of bitterness, I'll say this. My dear friends, girls and guys alike, beware an insecure man! 

On a side note, referring to my ultimate bucket list, I have shaved my head, the very first time in my life and I love it. Of course, when I saw myself in the mirror right after, I realized I might resemble a concentration camp survivor, but hell, now I'm used to it, ladies and gentlemen, I'm HOT ;)

You can see that at least my ego didn't shrink...

Getting There...

Last couple of months has been somewhat hectic, and having to deal with tons of other things, professional and personal, I took a bit of a break from writing (or at least blogging, to be more specific, see below...).

My students and their exams, touring around Greece and Italy, trying to figure out what to do about my strange and confusing relationship... all of these things kinda got in a way of writing about my life, although I guess it's a good thing I actually have a life that gets in a way of being written about, right?

Well, do not despair, my faithful readers, all 8 of you, because although you were not being regularly updated, I did not procrastinate - at least not as much as I usually do. I keep on working on ways how to reinvent myself and get my act together, thus I will provide you with a short list of some semi-achievements...

I've started working out, few months back, in the rhythm of Zumba. I used to dance back in the day, so I thought this would be an easy way how to get back in shape. Shows how much I know. I've lasted about a week, but in my defense, it's hard to stick to a routine, when you spend every other week on a bus with bunch of tourists. Obviously, Zumba is not the way, at least for me... On the bright side, I have actually started working out again, later on, weights and push ups and what not, and I'm happy to report that at this very moment, as a result,  I feel really sore all over. I have one more tour ahead, one more week on the road, and then it will hopefully be much easier to keep pushing myself.

Relationship and housing-wise, I've attempted several times to have a meaningful, constructive and productive conversation with my other half, regarding our future, goals and last, but not the least, financial situation, but alas, we have not come to a mutual understanding, consensus, if you will, and so these days (read: weeks to months) I am contemplating the future from variety of different angles, one of them as being single...

Now, the really good news is that I've started working on a novel, the concept of which I'm fairly excited about and so far the reviews from the people I've presented it to were good, so hey... Being fairly certain that my critics are not the kind of folk who'd try to make me feel better by hiding their opinion makes me feel like the book might not be a lost cause (though it still needs an unbelievable amount of work) and for the time being, I'm content with that. Once again, after the last tour of the summer is over, I intent to devote all of my time to working on it.

All in all, although I can't present you with any concrete accomplishments at this very moment, I'm actually quite satisfied with the way things are going, or, to put it as a proactive person I want to be when I grow up should, the way I'm making them go...

So yeah, I'm getting there...

Step One

That's it, the time has come to spring to action. I've started the blog, I've defined my goals and quite a few of you have asked me what items on the list have I started working on so far....

Well, so far, to be completely honest, none.

Since I don't want to be just all talk and no action, tomorrow morning (it's 8 pm now, cut me some slack) I am about to start working out, big time.

Every year, by the end of winter, I swear I'm gonna start losing extra kilos and firming up, so when the summer comes I can go to the beach without feeling too self conscious about my love handles and lack of defined musculature. This time though, my dear friends, to hell with "I'd like to...".

From tomorrow on I'm lifting weight, skipping rope and doing who knows what else and by the time summer comes I'll be in shape. The moment I press the "publish" button it will become an official statement, too, and if you see me in couple of months and it still looks like my clothes is tad too tight (not on purpose, that is), feel free to rub it in my face ;)

One more thing (which will hopefully inspire you to leave some comments, for once). How do you feel about "BEFORE" and "AFTER" pictures? I'm not bold enough to post a semi-naked pic of myself without a direct request and encouragement, but if at least 10 people think it's a good idea (for the sake of comparison), I'm game.

Let me know soon, though, from tomorrow on I'm a home-gym rat again... ;)

The Processee

Here I am, my name is Jake and I am about to turn 29, which means the 30th year of my life will begin. I'm (fairly) well educated, not (too) bad looking, (relatively) optimistic and (possibly) quite smart next door guy and my life is a complete and utter mess. Thus, I've decided to give myself one year and see what I can do about it. My goal is to make my life work by 27/05/2012, the day when I turn 30.


So, what have I done with my life up until now and why is it a mess?


Truth is, up until now I've lived very full, very interesting and fairly adventurous life. You could say this is due to the fact that I always live in the moment, I tend to go with what seems to be the best idea at the time, I'm spontaneous and I want to learn as much about this wonderful world of ours as possible.

Right! After years of pondering, I would say it is due to the complete inability to look and plan ahead, lack of any kind of impulse control and attention span of a goldfish.

I mean, I've left my homeland when I was 19 and I eventually moved to Greece, where, somehow, after few years of academic break, I've managed to major in Psychology at one of the many British universities (I still haven't been able to pay for it, though). I was on a sinking cruise ship (and I almost stayed there, ha). I was arrested in a bank (that's a good one). I've met bunch of interesting people and, of course, I've slept with quite a few of them (but, being a gentleman, I don't kiss and tell). I was in an extremely unhealthy and abusive relationship (after the break up we lived together but haven't spoken to each other for 2 and 1/2 years, not a single sentence) and the relationship I'm in right now is more than great, but the price I pay is, literally, me being practically unemployed (long story... apparently, nothing ever is simple, at least not for me).

So, I've been places and I've had fun, but, despite all the interesting stuff that I've seen and done, my life doesn't actually lead anywhere and frankly, I'm not happy with it, not happy at all. I've always assumed that comes the big 30 I'll have a great career, my life will have a meaning and will be full of big and small achievements and I'll be ridiculously independent. And cool.

You see, since I was a kid, I've always had this feeling of being so damn special, that I just knew that one day, when I grow up, everything I'll try is gonna work out for me like magic, without much of any kind of effort. The problem is, it actually worked, at least for a while, if only because of the attitude I had. So you can imagine the shock when one day, pretty much out of the blue (but long overdue), I looked in the metaphorical mirror and realized how wrong I was all this time.

I believe life is like a puzzle, to make it work, you have to have the full set of pieces. Some are in the box and for some you have to look under the sofa. But if you really want to make the picture complete, you have to find them all.

Here's a couple of pieces I've found so far.

First of all, no matter how great a relationship you are in, no matter how great the person next to you is, if you put your life on hold and compromise all you goals and needs for the sake of it, it won't work. Because   "You have to be happy with your life first and then you can share it with someone"  . To put it simply, things should be in balance, the "me" and "us" should have the same importance and neither should be prioritised all the time.

My second missing piece was even more important, since the absence of it has affected my whole life. As simple as it seems, my second missing piece is the  "if I work hard" part in   "being special, I can become anything I want when I grow up, if I work hard on it"   . You might think it's silly or >use you own adjective<, but it really took me all those years and hell lot of struggling to find this one piece of my personal puzzle. And now, somehow, I would like to make up for all those lost years and wasted time.

That is why I have given myself a deadline and this is the reason I've decided to write a blog about the road that lies ahead of me.

I want help, I want to know what people think about how I prioritise, about the decisions I'm about to make, about the directions I'm taking. And about the pieces of puzzle I'm still missing.

I am motivated, I have the drive to get me where I need to be and, hopefully, for the first time I actually have enough pieces of the puzzle to figure out how to get there. Still, I would like to know what you think...