My Worst Enemy

This morning I woke up and I felt like shit (pardon my French). I guess it happens to all of us, every now and then. We wake up on the wrong side of bed, or whatever, filled with doubts of our self worth, wondering whether our attempts to succeed have any decent ground to stand on.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not whining here, nor am I looking for pity and sympathy, I just want to describe my morning struggle with myself, and the aftereffects of thereof...

Although objectively, during the past few weeks, I've been quite productive, (you know, getting my life back together, becoming a proud owner of new washing machine, buying a bicycle and actually riding it daily, managing to get a "shared custody" of my dog, working on my design skills (see below), reconnecting with my old friends and making some new ones), subjectively I don't really feel I've achieved that much.

The thing that threw me off this morning was that little nagging voice back in the darkest pits of my mind, asking a simple question, "you are just playing around, what the hell are you doing and where the hell do you think it will lead?"... Of course, since it was the voice of that little monster hiding in all of us, it provided me with an answer right away... "nothing and nowhere"...

So, I say, nay, I shout for the whole wide world to hear it, "F*ck you, you little b*tch, I'm gonna show you who's the BOSS here"...

I've never expected to get my life together in one week and if it's small steps it takes, then small steps it is!

The small step of today is cleaning this mess of an apartment. For the past two and something years I've been keeping this place solely as a storage space for all my stuff. Since I've rented it, I slept here not more than a dozen times, dropping by every now and then just to get different clothes (depending on season), pick up some paperwork or documents I needed and that was it. This place, for two years, has basically been gathering dust, excess clothes and piles of paperwork. It looks accordingly to what its purpose has been so far. I haven't even unpacked the stuff my ex dropped off after the break up (although there might be an underlying reason there).

Frankly, I think this place needs to be organized, rather than cleaned, but you get what I mean. Today I finally unpack, reorganize my stuff and put it all away. There are some power outlets that need fixing. Kitchen is going to be a bit of a challenge, but hey. Tomorrow (today it's Sunday and I'm in Greece, I don't think I need to say more) I'm getting a decent vacuum cleaner (the one I have now must have been manufactured in 70's, at this point it's easier to try to kick the dust to death, rather than using that old piece of junk) and I'm gonna do some serious damage.

As a small bonus step for tomorrow, I found the cheapest gym around (which is still ridiculously expensive, c'est la vie) and I'm signing up...

Anyway, so you can agree with me that the time I put into improving and reinventing myself hasn't been wasted, here are some examples of what I've been working on...

Getting There...

Last couple of months has been somewhat hectic, and having to deal with tons of other things, professional and personal, I took a bit of a break from writing (or at least blogging, to be more specific, see below...).

My students and their exams, touring around Greece and Italy, trying to figure out what to do about my strange and confusing relationship... all of these things kinda got in a way of writing about my life, although I guess it's a good thing I actually have a life that gets in a way of being written about, right?

Well, do not despair, my faithful readers, all 8 of you, because although you were not being regularly updated, I did not procrastinate - at least not as much as I usually do. I keep on working on ways how to reinvent myself and get my act together, thus I will provide you with a short list of some semi-achievements...

I've started working out, few months back, in the rhythm of Zumba. I used to dance back in the day, so I thought this would be an easy way how to get back in shape. Shows how much I know. I've lasted about a week, but in my defense, it's hard to stick to a routine, when you spend every other week on a bus with bunch of tourists. Obviously, Zumba is not the way, at least for me... On the bright side, I have actually started working out again, later on, weights and push ups and what not, and I'm happy to report that at this very moment, as a result,  I feel really sore all over. I have one more tour ahead, one more week on the road, and then it will hopefully be much easier to keep pushing myself.

Relationship and housing-wise, I've attempted several times to have a meaningful, constructive and productive conversation with my other half, regarding our future, goals and last, but not the least, financial situation, but alas, we have not come to a mutual understanding, consensus, if you will, and so these days (read: weeks to months) I am contemplating the future from variety of different angles, one of them as being single...

Now, the really good news is that I've started working on a novel, the concept of which I'm fairly excited about and so far the reviews from the people I've presented it to were good, so hey... Being fairly certain that my critics are not the kind of folk who'd try to make me feel better by hiding their opinion makes me feel like the book might not be a lost cause (though it still needs an unbelievable amount of work) and for the time being, I'm content with that. Once again, after the last tour of the summer is over, I intent to devote all of my time to working on it.

All in all, although I can't present you with any concrete accomplishments at this very moment, I'm actually quite satisfied with the way things are going, or, to put it as a proactive person I want to be when I grow up should, the way I'm making them go...

So yeah, I'm getting there...

Endorphin Crash

First of all, I feel I should explain the reason why I haven't published anything in last couple of weeks.

Couple of days ago I've returned from a week long tour of Greece and Italy. During the spring and summer I work in tourism (not sure what's the part time job here, teaching or this?), and on this particular tour I was lucky enough to travel with few like minded individuals and their offsprings.

Just so you get an idea, doing this job basically means I get to sleep some 5-6 hours a day and for the rest of time I deal with all those little things that might happen when a big group of people travels places that don't follow the same rules they know from wherever they come from (I'm talking about things getting stolen and broken, events being missed, transportation and accomodation overbooked or in bad condition, people getting lost etc. - I basically do damage control - and prevention, whenever that's possible).

I have to say, as this group was randomly assigned to me, I couldn't wish for more. We instantly clicked, the chemistry was great, we could talk about anything from things mundane to art and current affairs, and during this week I felt, after quite some time, fulfilled and presented with just enough challenges to make my life once again interesting without making it too stressfull. A perfect combo (I really hope they've enjoyed my company as much as I enjoyed theirs).

Truth is, besides all the intellectual stimulation, I haven't laughed like I did on this tour in ages. I swear, the level of endorphin in my blood went through the roof, my cheeks and abs were literally hurting for few days after the tour was over.

Alas, all good things come to an end.

I got back to Athens, back to my ("more") normal life and that's where the problem lies. I have nothing to do....

No challenges to face, to problems to solve. For the past few days my biggest mental effort was how to spend the time between waking up, occasional meals and hitting the sack. So far I've watched the whole second season of "Community" and 10 minutes ago I've finished watching "Scott Pilgrim vs. the World". Sad, that's what it is...

After the very hectic (but extremely enjoyable) week on the road, I came back home and, as messed up as it is, I have no reason to get up before noon.

It's hard being proactive, when there's nothing to be proactive about. Plus, I miss being high on endorphin. I need a fix ;)

Step One

That's it, the time has come to spring to action. I've started the blog, I've defined my goals and quite a few of you have asked me what items on the list have I started working on so far....

Well, so far, to be completely honest, none.

Since I don't want to be just all talk and no action, tomorrow morning (it's 8 pm now, cut me some slack) I am about to start working out, big time.

Every year, by the end of winter, I swear I'm gonna start losing extra kilos and firming up, so when the summer comes I can go to the beach without feeling too self conscious about my love handles and lack of defined musculature. This time though, my dear friends, to hell with "I'd like to...".

From tomorrow on I'm lifting weight, skipping rope and doing who knows what else and by the time summer comes I'll be in shape. The moment I press the "publish" button it will become an official statement, too, and if you see me in couple of months and it still looks like my clothes is tad too tight (not on purpose, that is), feel free to rub it in my face ;)

One more thing (which will hopefully inspire you to leave some comments, for once). How do you feel about "BEFORE" and "AFTER" pictures? I'm not bold enough to post a semi-naked pic of myself without a direct request and encouragement, but if at least 10 people think it's a good idea (for the sake of comparison), I'm game.

Let me know soon, though, from tomorrow on I'm a home-gym rat again... ;)